**UPDATE: pardon the confusion of the flow, just got back on the writing stage and trying to improve it *smiley face that says don't be mad at me*
Hello there readers.
Yeah as you read the title it's probably going to be one of the mushy sappy romance journey that all of us who have feelings go through (why can't i just say everyone? Cause poetic license says i can) .
Take note that the first 3 years were really not worth telling cause i'm not even sure if they have any impact on me. (Am not being mean :p am not naming anyone so u don't know who they are haha!) Of course the stories that i picked the one who knew me probably can solve the mystery of who it was.
So let's start of the journey at the 4th year. The impact that person gave to me was the realization that partnering up with someone is not a simple matter at all. I really thought it was just sort of like a friendship whom u can just be yourself, truly yourself and still be accepted of who you are. Yeah, generally people said that you should love that person for who they are thus what did reality told me? NOT THAT. I remember i was making a joke which sounds funny in my mind but he thought i was being insensetive thus gave me a hard time about it. Naturally, i got pissed but being the kind of person who hates quarrel i just said im sorry but seriously, you're being ridiculous. After that, he apologize too and told me that because his last gf played with his feelings therefore he felt that he needed to play that 'game' because apparently it seems 'normal' to do so. Sigh....and he questioned why i got pissed? Geez. That's the beginning of every single thing that still puzzles me.
Why was it an impact? Well after that it seems that they are some 'work' you need to do in order to maintain a relationship (note: romantic relationship) . alright, i gave in to that concept, okay i guess you can't just go diddly daddly cause even in studies you need to revise in order to understand better. But then, isn't that suppose to be an 'effort' ? Cause efforts comes within your decision to do so therefore if i don't have the effort to do certain things then it isn't a bad thing. It's just me being myself. It became so bad cause i reached to the point i didn't know what the fuck i was doing anymore, i became angry and frustrated and frankly, i do not like making myself feel like that. So i made a selfish decision and broke it off.
What i didn't realize is his aftermath feelings. I didn't realize i meant a lot to him and for the first time i've hurt someone and that too, did not feel great at all. But what was i suppose to do? Stay in the relationship in which i might come to hate him just so that he can just be in a fantasy happy relationship? Definitely not. I did at first tried to justify my part of the story but i end up to let it slide and if people want to call me selfish, so be it. (Currently we are good friends after overcoming some issues and him being such a mature person decided to treat me as a friend once again - so nice of you and i am very, very grateful. I did apologize to him properly for being who i am before but he just said 'it's in the past already, i too learned something') therefore, that relationship taught me to be in someone shoes before making a decision that could impact other parties.
The 5th year? I don't really remember. Sorry! The 6th.....well wouldn't call that a relationship haha. But the 7th year, yes it was a relationship and might i add the most intense aftermath i ever felt.
I will not go on details because i do not regret the decision that i made. But i can say this, i learnt the love and affection from the family of your partner and wow oh wow, such a beautiful feeling to have and 'till this day i am so very grateful and appreciate everything for what they have done to welcome me. I wish i could stay in touch but this time it was an unpleasant break up and i did not want to overstep my boundaries but i will forever be in debt to them and pray that their kindness will be repayed handsomely.
I learnt to understand the kind of person i truly wanted to be with and be brave to step out if it wasn't that person. I learnt to forgive no matter what. I learnt to smile and look at the other parts of life that is a blessing in disguise. I learnt that patience is definitely a virtue. I learnt that not only female that has the most weirdly dramatic insecurities but male too. I learnt to know the difference between care and love cause i think that love is a word with a definition of multiples feelings packed in one box. I learnt to wait until the moment i actually want to be with someone and the most important thing, for me and just me, that my mother and father, raised me up to be a wife.
The last bit is crucial to me because as a person who devotes to being a muslimah (still in the journey towards it) have some conditions. I understood why physical contact is a no-no between a female and a male who is not officially married. Just imagine or remember back, what did you feel when you touch the one you have strong feelings to? Ecstasy ain't it. Thats not wrong, that is called having feelings. So back to conditions, i condition myself to stay a virgin until i tie the knot so to avoid having one of that 'at the heat of the moment' situation, i discipline myself to avoid having physical contact. (Of course if your condition is not the same as mine it's alright in my book, just be responsible) so basically, i just didn't know what is the criteria to be a gf (at this point try to take note of my condition i mentioned) so in a romantic relationship are you telling me there's some who can do it without ANY physical contact involve and is living happily ever after? If so please comment and tell me, would love to hear that story. So how can i whole heartedly show my affection as a gf? I can't. So...dear future husband, you can come now cause i just realize that part *insert laughter here*
Sooooooo that's my journey ;D hopefully i didn't offend anyone and if so, i apologize in advance.
'Till next story!
